Rebuilding Trust in a Relationship

Introduction

Trust is one of those things you sometimes don’t notice until it’s gone. Yet, it’s central to a healthy relationship. Rebuilding trust in a relationship after a betrayal is imperative.

Maybe you were recently betrayed in your relationship. You are looking for answers on how you can ever trust or even be vulnerable with your partner again. Or perhaps you are on the other side. Maybe you betrayed your partner, and you are desperate to earn back their trust.

But first, what does betrayal look like in romantic relationships? The most obvious answer is infidelity. What "counts" as infidelity can look different for different couples. For example, in my practice, I work with lots of people in ethically non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships. In this arrangement, it can be OK to be intimate with others outside of the coupling. Yet, a couple might have rules around this, like being aware of all their partner’s partners. If these rules get broken, it can be a betrayal.

Betrayals are not limited to infidelity. It can also include lying or broken promises. For example, a partner secretly using drugs after they promised to stop. No matter what the betrayal, losing trust in your loved one can be incredibly painful.

Today, we will cover evidence-based strategies for rebuilding trust in a relationship. Recently, researchers reviewed the scientific literature on trust repair. They identified five key themes: apologies, reasons for betrayal, proactive transparency, monitoring, and shared activities. Below, we will cover each theme, including ways to implement them in your relationship.

Apologies

The first way to rebuild trust in a relationship is the betrayer sincerely apologizing. This means more than just saying sorry. It means taking accountability for actions and not blaming others. It also means empathizing with hurt they caused and showing remorse for it.

For example, an affair is an obvious breach of trust. Less obviously, it can often bring up feelings of inadequacy or even poor body image in the betrayed partner. It is important for the betrayer to understand and acknowledge these implications in order for their apology to really land.  

Sometimes, it can be difficult to hear each other following a big rupture. It may be helpful to work with a couples therapist. A couples therapist can help a betrayed partner express their hurt in a way that the betrayer can understand. This is often the first step in building trust again.

Reasons for Betrayal

It’s important for a betrayer to identify the reasons behind their actions and explain these to their partner. Sometimes, relationship trouble comes before a betrayal. This doesn’t absolve the betrayer from taking accountability (see above), but it can help both partners see the big picture.

For example, if one partner is completely absorbed in their work, they may not be paying attention to their relationship. Meanwhile, the other partner might seek connection with someone else. While this certainly isn’t the healthiest way to cope, it is helpful to able to identify the trigger. This way, more time can be dedicated to the relationship in the future.

Again, working with a couples therapist may be helpful for this portion of rebuilding trust in a relationship. It can feel vulnerable for a betrayer to share their reasons for betrayal. It may also be difficult for the betrayed to hear and accept. Further, a couples therapist can help the pair develop strategies for overcoming these challenges in the future.

Proactive transparency

 

The next way to rebuild trust in a relationship is by the betrayer being honest and open. In other words, it’s one thing to say you are going to change, and another thing to show it. This includes sticking to mutually agreed upon boundaries.

For example, a betrayed partner may request the betrayer to call if they are going to be home late from work. A betrayer shows proactive transparency by always doing this. Maybe they even offer reassurance if they know it's going to be hard for their partner.

It can be helpful to have a conversation about the ways the betrayer was not transparent. From there, ways to take an opposite approach can be identified. A couples therapist can be useful if you are having trouble identifying approaches that are reasonable for both parties.

Monitoring

If it’s a betrayer’s job to be actively transparent, the betrayed will be taking the role of monitoring. The researchers distinguish between overt monitoring and covert “surveillance.” Surveillance is associated with obsessing and continued mistrust. It can also be a breach of the betrayer’s privacy.

For example, participating in phone call check-ins could be a healthy way for the betrayed to monitor their partner’s behavior. Covert surveillance would be if the betrayed secretly put an Air Tag in their partner’s briefcase to track their location at work.

Again, having transparent conversations is important here. This is the only way to find monitoring methods both partners feel comfortable with. Just remember, using deception to address deception is never a good idea for rebuilding trust in a relationship.

Shared Activities

 

The final way to rebuild trust in a relationship is to engage in shared activities. This helps couples attune to each other and foster healthy attachment. Plus, having fun together can be rewarding.

For example, taking a dance class together requires partners to be attuned to the other's body language and emotions. Consistent attunement over time leads to healthy attachment. Dancing also gets your endorphins going and is fun for both partners.

There are endless shared activities you might try. It can be active, like joining a run club, or more intellectual, like reading a book together. If you’re having trouble thinking of ideas, check out this list of 52 date ideas.

Conclusion

A relationship betrayal coming to light can feel upending for both partners. The road to rebuilding trust in a relationship can seem long and mysterious. Thankfully, researchers have identified key factors to rebuilding trust: apologies, reasons for betrayal, proactive transparency, monitoring, and shared activities.

If you need help implementing these factors in your relationship, don’t hesitate to get support. Couples therapy can provide a safe space for both partners to talk about the breach of trust. As long as both partners are willing to put in the work, there is always hope for the relationship.